INFLUENCING WITH NLP

"The map is not the territory"

One of the most important concepts of NLP is that "the map is not the territory". This means that the map of reality that each of us carries around inside our heads is just that: a map. It is not reality, and each person's map is different.

This is the cause of many, many communication problems. We assume that our map is reality and if someone else sees things differently... well, they're wrong!

Map or directions?

Talking of maps, picture a familiar situation. A motorist is driving around frantically looking for the destination for an important meeting (for which he is very late). The tension is mounting in the car and he's feeling more and more distraught. Finally he spots a pedestrian, screeches to a halt and leaps out of the car, map in hand. He accosts the pedestrian, shoves the map under the pedestrian's nose and says "I'm trying to get to here. Can you show me where I am now?"

The pedestrian ignores the map and explains: "That's easy to find, go to the end of the road, turn right at the Slaughtered Lamb, go round a few bends in the road, take the next left, then after a couple more miles, take a right turn and then it's about five hundred yards on the left."

The driver looks like a startled rabbit at the prospect of navigating on this basis, and tries to insist that the pedestrian shows him where the place is on the map.

Which would you prefer?

Do you identify with the motorist or the pedestrian? In our seminar, about a third of people identified with the motorist, a third with the pedestrian and the final third said it would depend on the precise circumstances.

The people who liked maps were much more likely to use diagrams, flip charts and visual aids with their clients than the other group. But what if your client wants directions and you're giving them a map?

What's the structure of your thinking?

At any time, you (and the person you're dealing with) may be thinking primarily in pictures, sounds, feelings or by talking to yourself. If you can be flexible enough to present your ideas in a way which fits with how the other person is thinking, it makes it far easier for them to understand you and relate to what you say.

There are several ways to tell how someone is thinking, including the words they use, the way they hold their body and where their eyes are directed.

For example, if a person looks up a lot, they are probably processing visually and may appreciate drawings, flip charts etc. For a fuller explanation of "eye accessing cues" and how to use them, contact us for a fact sheet.

"Metaprograms"

Another way in which our minds filter reality is categorised by NLP "metaprograms". These are habits of thinking that we develop, and they define which aspects of reality our unconscious minds pass through to our conscious awareness.

One example is the Towards / Away From metaprogram. Your mind can filter in a "towards" way so that you focus on and become consciously aware of things in your environment that help you get what you want.

Alternatively, you can filter in an "away from" way, where you are focused on what you want to avoid. Your unconscious mind will tend to alert you to problems.

Both ways of thinking are valuable, and professionals often have to think in an "away from" way to do our jobs. But problems can arise when that "away from" thinking is applied to other areas such as business development, without enough "towards" thinking to counteract it. It can make professionals see problems in everything and make for very unproductive partners' meetings!

If you are aware of whether your client is thinking in a "towards" or an "away from" way, you can build rapport by talking in a similar way initially, and then you can gently lead them towards the thinking style most appropriate for the matter in hand.

To influence someone in an "awy from" mode, there's no point focussing on positives!

To influence someone in an "away from" mode, don't bother focussing on the positives - tell them all the dire consequences of not doing what you suggest.

Some examples

If your client says: "I've got a gut feeling that unless we do it this way, we're going to have serious problems..."

Assuming you agree with them, you could say: "I agree. As I see it, if you do it this way, you should get the best outcome."

But if you want the client to feel that you really "get" what they mean, you could say: "I agree. I feel this is the way to avoid most of those problems" . This fits in with the way they are thinking - in terms of feelings and what they want to avoid.

What about if your client says: "My last advisor just talked around the issues. I could never see the big picture of where we were heading or get clear about his views"?

This is a warning that the client may like a more visual presentation, whereas the last advisor was happy sticking to words. This client may be happier if you can use sketches, flip charts, etc in meetings rather than just discussion.

Although it seems that this is a lot to think about on top of giving the right professional advice, with a bit of practice it starts to become instinctive and you do it automatically.

Where to go from here

This is a big subject compressed into a short newsletter. If you would like advice on books to read to take this further, just get in touch.

However, it's hard to learn NLP from written material alone. If you would like a one-to-one session or would like us to conduct a workshop for you in-house, please contact us.

We offer a free 45 minute in-house taster workshop to selected companies.